Should/ Should not?

After my sad sad disappearance from my already decomposed blog, i  have appeared again.

That’s right. I’m in the midst of MYEs and I’m well tired of it.
There’s something that people cant image us doing. But we did it anyway.

What’s your ambition? What’s your goal? Or maybe you’re old and have reached your goal already. What do you want to do next?

What is my ambition?

I don’t know. My mind is in a total complete disastrous mess and I’m tired of telling everyone about it.
Let’s just say the ‘today-was-a-bright-day-and-i-enjoyed-my-ice-cream’ is not my type. I’m sick of convincing myself that my goal is clear and i honestly want to do that.
But what is that?…

That is what we call ‘ used to be my passion and a passion that comes out with cash but now its not my passion but a job that still comes out with cash but not happiness’
What’s my goal? I can study like shit mad but 10 years down the road i might not be doing what i like, even with whatever degree in whatever.

My heart says listen to the brain. My brain says listen to my heart. But both my heart and my brain doesn’t know what to do.

Honestly, tell me, which mortal, and i repeat, MORTAL, actually care?

Because they don’t, that’s what hurts most when they ask you ” hey are you okay? you look troubled” and they leave.
If you cant help, please don’t come up and ask whats wrong, and initiate a talk about how troubled i look cause i know you don’t give a crap about how troubled i look. Look, i know its out of concern, but to ask, and walk off? I rather you just keep your sympathy to yourself.
What’s wrong with you?

Or rather, what’s wrong with me?

-Elle

” One Earl Grey please. Oh, no sugar for me, I like it bitter.”

People change-So often, and too fast.

And again, I’m not pointing to anyone in particular in this post. I once again left my blog, for about two months. I’ve been really very busy.

People change. I’m not saying that I’ve never changed throughout these years of my life. I’ve changed a whole lot and I’m well aware of it. Many of you would think that I’m just a complaining brat who does nothing at all but complain on her close-to-dead blog.
What else do you want me to say?

Oh today was like the best day of my life, i ate strawberry ice cream, with caramel on top, then i walked into the shopping centre, i bought shoes, jeans, skirts. And there’s this woman who knocked onto me and just walked off!!!!And you know what? I cant believe i almost smudged the ice…….

How’d you like it if I do nothing but write all those stuff on my blog? Where else do you expect me to get my inspiration from? Other than the unfair parts of life and friends, what do you want me to say?

Okay stuff that aside.

People change, every second, in every aspect. Like I can’t promise I’ll be your best friend from today until the day I die. Because in this period of time, both of us are bound to change. And when we do, we react differently to things that happen between us, lets say, ten years ago. After time, our definition of friends change, and then we notice our besties are not who they are when we first met them. Some of which placed their relationships with they boyfriends in front of their best friends.

Have you ever met a best friend at age 10, and then when you’re 13, you found another friend, who you could click with, in your opinion, even better than your best friend, but you keep that best friend first in your list, even though you know she isn’t anymore.

You juggle them both, hoping someday, truth will start to unfold, and your best friend will back off silently on her own.
Well, I can tell you that happened to me. I was the “best friend” before, and so was I the” you”. I honestly didn’t realised how offending it was to my best friend when I was the “you”. But when I became the “best friend”, I became incredibly mad and crazy.

We change every time we mix with different people. Our perspective of bitches change and before you know it, you’re calling everyone a bitch, or you start to realise that, that word is not to be used so lightly.

I used to beable to communicate with this friend of mine, we laughed a whole lot, talked a whole lot, understood each other, and read each other like a literature expert. Well, that was when we first became the best of friends. And when we grew up in different environments, we changed. I started talking to her like I was trying to persuade her that I understood her, and she did the same. We became like puppets that were controlled by what our minds were thinking–how we wanted them to be. And we thought we made a huge mistake being besties before, and thinking that the opposite party was actually really such a bitch.
And then we’re totally not on talking terms. But I can say right now, that I don’t regret meeting this friend of mine. Cause she taught me that I changed, and so did she. Sometimes, things just happen and before you know it, you’re to walk totally different roads, and you think to yourself:”whatever happened to ‘sticking through the thick and thin’?”

Picture this: On Monday, your bestie and you were chatting on msn about all the things you both used to laugh about, and talk about. On Tuesday, she text-ed you, saying she’s got urgent news and tell you to get on line on msn as soon as possible. And then the moment you log on, she’s became a totally different person, she’s telling you she’s got a boyfriend, and you’re happy for her. But soon, your conversations only evolve around her and her boyfriend. What he said to her, and what she said to him. Of course you don’t want to hurt her, and tell her that she’s crossing the line. So you live with it, but then, the boy that she loves is soon taking over your place, she doesnt even reply your messages, or your conversations on msn. When you call her, her mind is on msn with him, and even the funniest thing you both laughed about no longer worked for her, but only for you.
She changed, and so did you. And you feel so small, having lost your long time bestie to a guy that she met recently.

Sigh, I just feel so sick and tired on all these friendship stuff and just wanna disconnect with the world of best friends.

And I know this post is unbearably boring, forgive me for being such a prick on your perfect day.

The ever changing Elle.

Distraction

So,

I’m really sorry for leaving this blog for 3 full months and finally appearing out of nowhere.
Its just that this stupid hectic life has to strangle me for 24 hours a day without a single minute to breathe. But you see, no one really visits my blog after it was unofficially pronounced dead 3 months back. Well, random people do come and visit, thats just enough to brighten up my random days.

So to start off with, the amount of hours I lack sleeping, plus the number of hours I stick to my books does not equal to my CA results. I don’t know if its that I’ve not sacrificed enough sleep time, or sacrificed enough MSN-ing time, or whatever. I’ve got endless piles of assessments for my poor hand to complete by the end of this year, in which some I have never wrote anything on it.

Okay, so my friend’s been complaining about my blog having absolutely no pictures, no music. So, I’m not going to tell you things that others would– like “go away if you’re not happy with what I do”. One reason why I don’t like to post photos is because I hate the distraction that occurs when you read a post and there’s this odd picture at the bottom and it distracts you so much that you wanna scroll down to see the picture, and you’ll never get the meaning of the words. It’s exactly the same as picture books.

And, the music part, I think wordpress doesn’t have this feature? Or does it? I don’t check things up so I don’t know, and even if there is this feature, I wouldn’t add a song to a blog. Cause its again distracting, people can’t find the stop button or when they’re reading the post, they can’t read it well, if they can’t find the stop button, that is.

Okay. So, I wanna go on to my life now. So, Lydia(my bestie) got herself a bf. Yes, congrats to that. And if some of you are wondering, I’m very happy to remain in my current status and I’m very much satisfied with the fact that I’ve decided to remain single until the age of 20.

However, I am her “trust-o-meter” and its gone to zero. I am not one bit pleased at her partner, quarreled with him before and will continue doing so. She’s in Australia and I’m not anywhere near her, so she and I can’t communicate as often as you think we could. And plus the fact that the bills will shoot up to the height of Mount everest. She’s got her friendship problems and I’ve got mine, so we’re fairly in the same boat.

I do/don’t seem outcasted in school. But I feel that I am. I sit at the corner, and my friend goes for her classes and etc, I just seem so insignificant and like I blend in so well with the air. Sometimes,some observant people notice me and come over, one or two sentence and they’re gone. You see, people around me just… I don’t know. I can’t hold them responsible for making me feel insignificant because they’re not responsible people when it comes to friendship. Is it really so hard to find someone that you can click with and be friends with?

Many don’t know that in my msn, 0.01% of the people are my real friends. Or people I can click with.

So after countless experiences of idiotic and fake friendships, I feel that friendship is like a drama play. For example, I’ve said a sentence but the other character just remains still, and forgets her line. Many people will stand there, and wait for that character to search into her mind and dig out the line. But I, would just call it off. I’d call off the performance. Tell the audience that they could get their refund at the counter, and they could exit the theater whenever comfortable.

You see, I hate it when friends don’t give me a response, whether they wanna remain as friends, or just cut it off. I hate it when they dont give a yes or a no, because it’ll turn into a distraction in daily life. Like ” is she angry at me? Will we still be friends?” Turn out that you’ll never be able to do anything. So I’ve met many freaking people that were “friends” that left me hanging in mid air and the rest of the time I can’t get anything done while they’re thinking of ways to get me off their back.

So I’d rather not be treated as a leech to others. What’s the use when others look at you that way? Save your self-esteem instead.

Filled With Crap.

Once again, I’m stupid enough to blog again.

Tomorrow’s Science CA!!!!!! Oh man, I haven’t studied yet. There’s an extremely hideous amount of things to revise. And yeah, if you’re wondering, I’ve been awarded with a horrifying grade for Chinese. A2. Crap, am I not studying enough?? OH, OR MAYBE I SHOULD TRY TO KEEP MY EYES OPEN FOR 168 HOURS AT LEAST, PERHAPS TRY TO SKIP ALL 21 MEALS IN THE WEEK, AND STUDY, AND THAT WAY, HOPEFULLY, I’D GET SHOOTING STARS FOR EXAMS.

I’m just so tired that during classes, I start tearing(and seriously tearing) or no apparent reason, I try to stay awake by slapping myself, and etc.
Dammit, is this called self- abuse or what? And I still have to stay back till 5 tomorrow for choir, and till 6 the next day just for choir as well. I’m not saying its too tough or anything that is negative, I love choir, but the homework and revision after choir, KILLS.

And JUST to add on to the burden, I have a problem that I can’t sleep till its 1 am at least. Isn’t that a torture!?!??!
I’m really tired now. I have to get some sleep. Or I’d get really, really, really dark circles around my eyes.

xoxo,
elle.

Blank minded freak.

Crap, Tomorrow’s Lit CA and I’m still blogging. Sometimes I wonder how stupid I can really get.

But anyways, I think I’m depressed. Ah, we’ll talk bout that later. Not important.
I’m still wondering how to actually “study” Lit. Is there anything to study for language? I feel so horrible. Sometimes people can get really weird.
In class, like in between periods when we’re waiting for the next teacher, I would day-dream. Yeah, thats what I’m best at. Well thats bad cause apparently, my mind drifts away from the body, and obviously everyone knows the consequences of that.

I actually have quite alot of work to do for mathematics and english. A fairly ridiculous amount of work to do, sadly.
Apparently, everyone knows i’m a huge Jojo and Reese Witherspoon fan, but some of my past closest friends doesnt.-_-

I am so amazed by how they manage to live their everyday life with me, not knowing that I’m obsessed with purple and my fav singer and actress. Oh well, everyone pushes the least important things to the back of their mind.
My only hope now is that I don’t fail my Lit test because I, obviously, do not know what, and how, to study Lit!

Sometimes, I wonder why I seem so insignificant to some. Or sometimes, too significant to some others to the extend that I feel bad.

xoxo, elle.< my new nick name, extracted from the last four letters of my name. Note: it was NOT chosen by me. But anyways, just for convenience’s sake, 4 letters isn’t as hard to type as 8 letters. Its double the trouble!

Have a good day.

It’s over!- Not.

Hellos.

So, firstly, thank you so much, Faith, for your comments on my blog!

So much had been going on with me these days. I’m feeling great everything’s over. But sad that I’m soon getting my results.
Seriously, I shouldn’t be abusing and torturing myself by thinking of the mistakes, “shoulda done” stuff in my papers. But its really sad and depressing to face the fact that I’m abusing myself. Okay, if you don’t get me, I mean that who in the world with a right mind would wanna do such a stupid thing? I don’t know/care/wanna know what’s up with me cause speaking from experience(make me sound so old-.-), I would rather lie to myself and feel good that I don’t know anything, than to be truthful to myself and as a result, getting all acted up and being “upside down”.

As a matter of fact, I like to question, and the worst thing is, I like to question  myself, make myself suffer, make myself worn out, etc. I like to make me stressed, and end up blaming myself for doing so.

I just received the “Choosing Your Secondary Schools” booklet. Flipped through the pages, bearing in mind not to freak out or faint or whatsoever. Others were excited, finding the information about schools they want to go to.
But I took my time. I didn’t wanna know anything about it.

But I flipped to the pages I intended to look at.
I saw the aggregate range of all the schools.

Inside of me, I cried and cried my heart out. Screamed and screamed my lungs out.  I’d cry for the rest of eternity. I’d scream till I ran out of breath.

I just wanted to choke myself to death or something.
But the nightmare was that I would be receiving my results. Then, I would really go mad. No one had ever seen me get really really really mad before. No one but myself.

I’m sorry but this is where I’ve got to end. I’ll write the second part some time in this week,I hope.

Angelsblessings♥

Prelims, PSLE, deadly exams

Sorry everybody for not posting for a long long time. Too tied down with my work.

To think again, two years ago, I never spared a second to think about my PSLE year. And neither did I give a crap about this. Never. Never did think about my PSLE, my 2007, my year of total tragedy, and all seemed so fine until it popped out in front of me, leaving me with a bad shock of my 12 years of life.

In short, I never treated time preciously and same goes for studies. Until now, I needed them so much, I’d go really emo over it. Like now. LOL.  Counting, there isn’t much time to go until the start of doomsday. The thought of Prelims gives me shivers. The thought of PSLE gives me headache. The thought of PSLE and Prelims leaves me with nose-bleeds.

Argh, curse the papers that are set for PSLE and Prelims.I can’t think any further now. Will try to post as often as possible.

I gotta go study. For the sake of my studies. AND Prelims as well as PSLE. Hey, comparing this post to my other ones, its way shorter isn’t it?Look what PSLE can do to P6s? Sigh… Looks like I gotta go…

Have a good day and thanks for tolerating my crappy post. (Sorry for writing such rubbish in the first place. Studying For PSLE used up all my brain juice.)

Hurray for the mess!

Yeap.

I did take a look at my cupboard yesterday evening.

And guess what? I nearly fainted. I thought my blood pressure went terribly low and I felt a little light-headed.
I was like, did I do this?
And yes I did was the answer.
You can never imagine the time I took to clear the rubbish. I mean, rubbish in a sense that I don’t really care about them…I mean,you know what i meant do you? And, I took everything out and all my stuff just fell “gracefully” from my table like it was basically nobody’s business.

Crap.

Then I was like what do I do now? So, I sat on the floor, right beside my stuff, and started sorting things out. And, man, an hour seemed like eternity to me and I successfully got backaches. Yay, everyone says.
But it was worth the time, at least my cupboard dont give me that threatening “look” like its gonna squash me without a care in the world.

Guess where all my stuff went?

Yup. under my table. YAY!
At least I don’t get to see them.
Well, at least it’ll work out fine for me for about a week or so and automatically someone will make me bring my stuff to somewhere it actually belongs. Which is very much obvious that the place is no where.

But anyway, at least it solves my problems for now.

Hm, nite nite, I’m tired.

And hurray for mass clearing my mess!
Byes!♥

Don’t be stupid, Michelle.

Alright. I’ve been acting totally random these days.
About three days ago, I was at Vivocity, the bookstore called pageone. I found this really insane book and for no good reason, I got so desperate to buy it, I made my parents flare at me. So in the end, I got myself another book. With a condition attached that I had to get another book instead the one I got really despo about, and get a chinese book.

That wasn’t easy alright. It was plain hard.

The book was hard to read. It was just too hard for someone like me who doesn’t really score in Chinese. Okay so I hadn’t start reading anything on it yet.
So, I’m facing problems, friendship, exams, whatever you name them, I got’em.
I’ve got a total mess under my table. cause my bin refused to consume anymore rubbish and I am stuck to my table so no one gets to clear the bin for me. Or maybe I’m too lazy to do it for my own sake.

Oh well, needless to say, you can see I’m very much glued to my table. I like lying on it. Though there is nothing much to lie on cause where ever I lay my head on, it will be resting on papers. Loads of them.
Perhaps one day I should take a picture of my poor table and post it eh? You’ll be amazed how I can survive my 365 days.

Haha, its horrid. Whenever I look up at the cupboard that is just resting on my table,(its a huge one) it look like its threatening me to clear some stuff in there otherwise it would just give way and no doubt, I’d be flattened by my heavy stuff up there.

Alright, I shall clear some stuff now, most probably only 1% of my stuff can be cleared. Sad eh? Okay okay, that’s it, I better start clearing the mess now…

Bye!!